On Losing A Pet

TL&DR: Stepdog passed away last Friday after a brief illness.  

I'm here to spill my guts out, which I will then try edit into something coherent.  I'll tell you what happened, the things that helped our family to get through it, the decision to use a home euthanasia vet, and a few wonderful stories of her last days.  This is one of two posts that I will be writing about her.  Today's post is the hard part, and the next post (to be written at some future date much further along in the grieving process) will be a tribute to her and stories of the great joy that she brought to us.

I am not always in the right headspace to read a "my pet died" post, so you absolutely have my blessing to skip this one.  The only reason to ever read a blog post is because you want to, and no one is taking "blogger attendance".  Nothing bad or graphic happened, apart from the fact that the dog died.  Here's a happier dog post as an alternative.

In late October Elisabeth approached me about doing a guest post and gave me a list of questions.  I sat down and wrote the first things that popped into my mind.  One of the stories I told was that when my childhood cat died, it was so painful that I swore I would never have another pet.  Early in our relationship I told this to my husband, and he said, "yes, you miss out on the pain but you also miss out on the love".  Little did we know that a year later we would become dog owners.  You know the story, my husband's ex wife got a dog for the kids, over time the dog started staying at whichever house the boys were staying at, and gradually the boys and the dog went from a strict 50-50 custody split to spending most of their time with us.

The time between writing the post for Elisabeth and last week was the time that it took to go from having a healthy older dog to a terminally ill dog with cancer who would very likely be deceased by the time of publication.  I thought about editing the post, but to what?  First of all, I wasn't ready to bring Stepdog's illness to the blog, and second of all, what I said was correct.  I said that we'd gotten nine years and counting of happiness and love from this wonderful creature.  The only edit was that the timer stopped at almost nine years exactly.  It turns out that both hubs and I were correct in what we said: it is incredibly painful to lose a pet, but I wouldn't have missed out on one minute of the happiness that she gave us.

Timeline

(Note: I will be interchangeably referring to the person who is my husband's ex wife, the mother of my stepsons, and the technical owner of the dog as "the boys' mom" and "Stepdog's mom" depending on the context.  If you're new here, my stepsons are 16 and 18 years old).

A few weeks ago: Stepdog was hale and hearty at the age of 11 years and 8 months.  I had only the faintest idea of what a dog's life expectancy was, and always stayed away from doing the math. 

In spite of her endless energy, the signs of aging were there: when she was young her face was black and over time it grayed to white.  For evidence let's look at our family July 4th parties in 2017 and 2019:

She used to get a little stiff after playing with the neighbor's dog so for the past three years she'd taken a glucosamine chondroitin supplement that cleared that right up.  For the past two years she was increasingly cutting her walks short, but the vet said it was fine - it just meant that she was less tolerant of cold and heat.  She used to get up with me but now she slept in until my husband got up half an hour later and once in a while she would even sleep in after he got up.  She used to notify us when our Amazon packages were delivered but more and more we were having to rely on Amazon for that. 

Mid November: Stepdog abruptly stopped eating dog food but continued to eat treats and was her usually happy peppy self.  We started the standard doggo tummy woe cure of chicken and rice.  She ate the chicken like a boss, so see, it was clearly just a tummy bug that would clear up in a few days.

A day later she stopped eating chicken, so we went to the vet - when I say "we" I mean the dog, hubs, and I.  I have the more flexible work schedule, so for routine checkups I'm usually the point person, but for out of the ordinary stuff, hubs always comes along.  I feel like this is a precursor to old age when I'm sure we'll go to each other's doctors appointments.  

Everything looked great in the exam room except the scale.  They ran a blood test, which showed an abnormal liver reading.  Step one of troubleshooting was an antibiotic and anti nausea meds.  See, it was clearly just an infection that would clear up in a few days.

Stepdog improved a little bit on the antibiotic but no where near where she needed to be, so the Friday before Thanksgiving the three of us returned to the vet.  Step two of the troubleshooting process was an x-ray. The vet gave us a preliminary opinion then and there, and called us on Saturday to make it official after an expert reviewed the scans.  There was a tumor of the spleen that had spread to the liver.  If you would like to learn a big word, the diagnosis was hemangiosarcoma.  The choices were to go to a doggie oncologist or to make Stepdog's last days happy ones.

This is where Stepdog's mom/my husband's ex-wife enters the story.  Their marriage didn't last, but their co-parenting skills are on point, and that extends to the dog. The three of us agreed that given Stepdog's age, her terror of the vet, and the advancement of the tumor that we would be making Stepdog's last days happy ones.  The boys were staying at her house that weekend and were going out with their friends, so we decided to say nothing to them until they came back to our house on Sunday night.

Stepdog's mom and stepdad came by our house to see Stepdog.  She was still in very good spirits and looked like she would live forever.  She devoured the pig's ear that they brought her and it was a lovely visit.

I told them that I had heard of home euthanasia services, and wanted to look into one for Stepdog.  Well, I didn't have to do any research because it turns out that they had used one for his dog, who passed away a few years ago.  They told me about the process and gave me a number.  

Their visit gave me an idea...Stepdog was beloved in our extended family and is the reason why my two local SILs have dogs.  I realized that our other family might want to say goodbye to Stepdog as well.  Over the course of the week my parents and SIL's and families stopped by to visit with the dog.  She seemed happy to see them, they were happy to see her, and we were happy to see everyone.  We also found that trading pictures and happy memories of the dog helped a lot.  Stepdog's mom and stepdad came by a few more times as well.

When the boys got home on Sunday night hubs called a family meeting.  We sat down and he repeated exactly what the vet told him.  He let them know that the options were oncology or giving her happy last days.  The boys didn't say anything, so hubs went into more details about Stepdog's age, the size of the tumor, how terrified she was of the vet, and the pain of surgery and chemo.  The boys agreed that giving her happy last days was the way to go.  One of the boys is very open in his emotions and the other is more reserved, so we had tears from one and "I'm going for a walk" from the other.  I told the boys that we all feel things differently and that if they saw me crying it didn't mean that anything bad had happened, it was just how I process my emotions.  And let me tell you that I processed a lot of emotions in her final week.

Thanksgiving week:

On Monday we called the euthanasia place to introduce ourselves and get an overview of the process.  We went over our criteria for when we would make the call: if Stepdog was in any obvious pain, if she stopped eating, or if she started having trouble with the stairs.  They agreed with our list, and added that if she stopped walking or if her gums turned white those were also reasons to "call us now".  Their turnaround time was 24-48 hours, so we made a contingency plan.  The home euth place was first on the call list, but if Stepdog went into obvious distress during regular business hours, we'd go to our vet.  If Stepdog went into obvious distress outside of regular business hours (read: Thanksgiving), then we'd go to the emergency vet that was further away.

Monday was Stepdog's last "I am just fine and I am going to live forever" day.  Yes she was still very much our sweet Stepdog, but she stopped eating again that night, and barely ate on Tuesday.  Her belly started to swell, which might have been an indication of internal bleeding.  She was very slow climbing up and down stairs.  First thing on Wednesday morning, hubs and I compared notes.  I was terrified that we would leave it too long and that she would end up in pain.  I didn't want her last hour on this earth to be spent in agony driving to the emergency vet.  Hubs was on the same page. 

We called our vet to have a chat.  While she couldn't tell us how long we had, she said it was not likely that Stepdog would just "go to sleep" on her own.  There was a risk of starvation, which made me jump up in my chair and say (to myself) "You said you couldn't give us the answer but you just gave us the answer."  She agreed that Stepdog would not have another good day but she might have some good hours.  We all peered into the crystal ball and she suggested scheduling a home euthanasia visit for Friday, and in the meantime to giving Stepdog some anti nausea medication.  That might help her to eat and get the swelling down.

I scheduled the home euthanasia visit for Friday and I cannot tell you the sense of peace that I got on that phone call.  Hubs gave her the anti nausea pill and a bit later I cooked up a chicken breast and she ate half of it which was a huge victory.  That night we grilled up five hamburgers (one for each member of the family), and she snarfed hers down.  She looked so much perkier, but we knew that it wouldn't last.  After dinner when I said "walk?" she didn't respond.  I let her out into the front yard and after a bit she started walking toward the street.  Hubs and I joined her for an uncollared, unleashed dog walk down the length of the neighbors yard, and then she turned around and came home.

Thanksgiving

Stepdog took one lick of her breakfast hamburger and rejected chicken for lunch.  I went out into the front yard with her, thinking that she just wanted to sniff around.  She started walking down the street and I was sure she'd stop after the neighbor's house like last night.  But she kept going.  I texted hubs to bring her leash, harness, and some bags.  She was halfway down the street before hubs caught up with us.  I was in my slippers and hubs had dashed out so fast that he hadn't tied his shoes.  Stepdog took us to the park, which was one of her longest walking routes - how did she still have the energy?  I was amazed and very happy because I didn't think we'd get another dog walk.

Hubs and I set about making our Thanksgiving dinner under Stepdog's supervision.  When the turkey was ready, he cut up some of the meat very finely and she chowed down.  This was a huge relief and she took a few refills on her plate before she was done eating.  We had so much to be thankful for that night.

Our family routine is a dog walk after dinner, though once the boys got older it became a couples dog walk after dinner.  There was no way that Stepdog was up to a walk...or was there?  I said "walk?" and she moved toward the front door.  The four of us went into the front yard with her, and when she moved toward the street we put her leash and harness on.  Sure enough, she took us around the block as if it were any other night.

At bedtime hubs, Stepdog, and I bundled into bed to read for a bit before lights out.  The boys stopped by to love on her and say goodbye.  One of the boys asked if we there was any way to just let her die naturally, and hubs repeated what the vet said that "natural" meant "painful".  The boys left us and Stepdog slowly got down from our bed and went to her bed.

Friday morning: the window for the euthanasia visit was between 7:30 to 9:30.  I set my alarm for 6:30, which was a joke since I ended up waking at 4 and getting up a 6.

Hubs got up around 7 and monitored Stepdog's final very slow climb down the stairs.  She was still happy Stepdog, but I knew that we had gotten the timing exactly right.  I let her out into the front yard and she gave everything a good sniff.  We cooked up a slice of bacon, and she nibbled a few bites of it.  The three of us settled down in the living room for a snuggle.  Finally my phone rang and the vet said she was on the way.

It takes a special kind of person to be a vet and an even specialer kind of person to be a home euthanasia vet.  Stepdog didn't "read" the visitor as a vet and was very chill.  We hung out with the dog and did paperwork, and then the vet asked if we were ready.  She gave Stepdog a preliminary injection to make her sleep, and after a few minutes that felt like hours, Stepdog fell asleep in the living room.

Normally you won't see kids in our house before noon on a non-school day, but sure enough one of the kids picked this moment to get up and come downstairs.  We told him where we were in the process and said he could either come in with us or not.  He stayed in the front hall looking on.

The vet asked if we were ready, and we said yes.  She gave Stepdog the Big Sleep injection.  She listened to her heart on the stethoscope and a few seconds/minutes/hours later told us "she has passed".

I've always hated the term "passed" for death but that's what happened.  Stepdog peacefully passed into her next world.

The vet brought in a stretcher and she and hubs lifted Stepdog onto it and wrapped her in a blanket.  Hubs and the stepson took the stretcher out to the vet's car.  I thanked the vet.

Hubs posted the update on our private family Facebook group for our out of town family: "It is with great sadness that we announce the passing of [Stepdog].  She lived by a simple code:  Nap.  It's never too early for Treatos.  Love everyone.  Be like The Pup."  Hubs and the awake stepson and I looked through our google album of daily dog selfies that we'd been taking since the start of COVID.

Later that day Hubs, Stepson #1, and I were hanging out in the living room.  Stepson #1 was working on a poem about Stepdog and we were chatting about her.  I was having a thought that I couldn't believe that I was having, and was even more in disbelief when hubs spoke the very words that were in my head.

"I don't know...would we ever want to get another dog?"

Obviously we will need to go through a proper mourning period and this is all very premature, but once again everyone is on the same page.  How and when it will happen we don't know, but someday another dog will come along and adopt us.

Aftermath

It feels like last Friday was 1,000 years ago.  At this time last week we had a dog and now we do not.  Our kitchen used to be a little crowded with her food bowls and her bed by the back sliding glass door and now it feels very empty.  One of the many fringe benefits that Stepdog provided was keeping our kitchen floor spotlessly clean at all times, and it's very obvious that this service is no longer being provided.

We settled Stepdog's estate as follows: we gave her treats to her cousin dogs at our big family Thanksgiving party on Saturday.  We gave her food and one of her dog beds to the Humane Society.  We are keeping her other dog bed, her food bowls, her toys, and her leash and harness.  Not so much for Future Dog, but because we've opened ourselves up to family and friends as dog sitters.

In Conclusion

• There is no "good" way to lose a pet, but given all of the options I'll take what we got.
  
• Home pet euthanasia is a blessing.
• If your pet is beloved by extended family and friends, then having "last visits" like we did is wonderful for both the people and the pet.
• If your kids are age appropriate, I believe that telling them everything like my husband did is the way to go.
  
• Thank you to Stepdog's mom for bringing her into the family, for giving me the idea of the last visits, and for talking me through the home euthanasia process.
• Thank you to our vet for helping us with the timeline and for giving Stepdog the anti nausea pill that allowed her to eat for her last two days of life.
• Thank you to COVID for the upgrade to Stepdog's life for her final three and a half years.  WFH meant constant companionship and an extra walk at lunch, which were two of her favorite things.
• Losing a pet around the holidays is not as awful as you would think.  Stepdog owned holidays: she was born on Easter, Christmas was the occasion that kicked off her staying at both houses, and now she has a lock on Thanksgiving as well.
• Not having a pet because you fear the loss of a pet: it's a valid choice but what my husband said about missing out on all of the love.
• Not having a pet because you don't want to/are not in the right stage of life (the real reason that I didn't have a pet between my cat and Stepdog): correct.
  
• I'm not saying that everyone should take daily selfies with their pet like we did...just kidding I am totally saying that you should take daily selfies with your pet.  Or at least frequent selfies.  We loved scrolling through the Stepdog Selfie Album in her lifetime and we love it now.